A long, long time ago, I dreamt of having fifty children. When I was younger, I mostly thought of children as toys. You get to pick out their names and dress them up in all sorts of pretty clothes and even play with them - that was my mentality. So I wanted to have a ton of children, because I wanted to have a ton of toys.

Obviously, as I grew older, that mentality changed. My little sister was born when I was seven years old, and it was then that I began to see the kind of hard work that having a child represented. After all, I had to take care of her a lot of the time (and then my brother as well, who was born when I was ten). There was some fun involved as my siblings grew, definitely, but most of the time I just found it irritating to have to take care of them.

Of course, there's no justification for that. There also definitely isn't any justification for when I was supposed to be watching my sister, but I was instead watching a movie with friends, and she fell off this small plastic indoor slide we had and acquired a very large gash on her ear. I was very irresponsible then, and that hasn't changed much.
(Example: I haven't actually made my bed since I came to college. After I wash my bedsheets and covers and whatnot, I just throw them all back on the bed. I do put my pillowcase covers on, so maybe that's a plus...)

But I fear very much that should I have my own children, they will die of some form of neglect on my part. I always denounce people who neglect their children, and I don't want to become that same kind of person. Yes, I know - "when you have kids you'll care about them too much to neglect them." Will I really, though? I can't pretend I know the answer to that for sure. Besides, even people who are certain they want children often neglect them (in favor of jobs, for example).

And let's be honest, if there's even a slight possibility that I would somehow mistreat a child, even through neglect, then I consider it a much better choice to simply not bring one into the world. I suppose I just wish more people would think that same way - we probably would have a lot less mistreatment of children today.

I'm also worried that if I do have children, I won't be a good enough parent, or I won't understand what they want, or I'll deny them the things they want the most in favor of what I think is "best" for them, which might end up being extremely detrimental to them.

See, I'm thinking of my own mother here. She always pushed me and pushed me, especially in school, to do more than the best I could do. She pushed me to basically be perfect, because that's how she had been when she was in school. And yeah, it was good for me that I had good grades. I've gone far in regards to education. The problem was that my mother never really let me do what I wanted.

I could tell a lot of stories of how sheltered I was when I was younger, but I'm sure you all can imagine. What really got to me was something that happened this summer. I told her I wanted to be an author and that I'd been writing a novel - she pretty much laughed in my face and was like, "No, you'll get a degree in Political Science and actually be successful, not be a miserly writer." I've always had everything I wanted from her - I've always had food when I'm hungry and clothes on my back and other material things. I just never really had freedom, and that was pretty much the only thing I really wanted.

I'm afraid of doing that to my own children. Of being ignorant of what my children want, or if I'm not, of not liking their aspirations - of being disappointed in them, and seeing them being equally disappointed in me because of how I feel towards them.

There are actually more reasons as to why I don't want children (for example, I'm afraid I won't be able to strike a good balance between being firm with them but not awfully strict, and being relaxed with them but not so lenient that they become the kinds of irritating kids that hit random people in supermarkets for fun). But this post is already long enough.

My roommates and I were watching Moulin Rouge the other night. (It's one of my favorite movies and it's absolutely amazing, so if you haven't seen it yet, start doing so now!) In the movie, there's one very important quote:


Well, we got into a sort of debate regarding this particular quote. I agree with this quote completely, but they didn't really. Love is important, they said, but there are greater things that one can experience. Success, friendship, and for my more religious roommate, divinity (for lack of a better word). Basically... the ideals of the movie are wonderful, but they are just ideals, and in reality there are more important things to focus on.

As I said, I disagree with that. Obviously, I think it's important to be successful and healthy and beautiful and kind and intelligent and to have friends (and so on), and while I don't believe in any sort of higher power, I suppose I can at least add that morality is a great thing to learn.

But love is the greatest thing.

I know that personally, if I had to choose between being miserable in every other aspect of my life, but retaining the ability to love and be loved, or losing that ability and retaining greatness in all those other aspects... I'd choose the love.

Maybe that's not very practical, but my view on life is that it's not meant to be practical. It's meant to be happy. I suppose it's all a matter of opinion in the end, since I'm sure that some people out there are very happy without having love. But I can't be. Knowing what I do about love, and imagining what it would be like not being able to love or to feel love... that seems awful to me. I wouldn't be happy with a life like that.

So yeah. I do think that the greatest thing one can learn is just to love and be loved in return.